i am so freaking excited.

it's been way, way too long.

i can't wait to see people. i can't wait to see old friends and meet new ones. and the ones i've had on facebook for the longest time but never got the opportunity to meet them in person yet. there's a lot of those.

i'm so tired of being in evanston right now. i just can't wait to get away and breathe, even for a moment. 

--

how is it that i am still so, so busy when i don't have as many classes? this is slightly frustrating...

--

i've lived a pretty cushioned life. most of my friends are in a good place (in terms of their families and friends, school, etc.). so to hear that my roommate's father passed away a few months ago, and that one of my friends from MALV (she's only in 8th grade i believe) just found out her father passed away from cancer earlier today.... it's so shocking. it's just so crazy because i've known her dad all these years and we've talked here and there. and i remember how supportive her dad was to her growing up. 

these girls will never get the chance to have a father congratulate them on their graduation day. these girls will never get the chance to have a father walk them down the aisle on their wedding day. etc.

it's heartbreaking to hear about it, and it makes me so incredibly thankful for my father. we don't talk much because of the distance... but now i'm afraid. afraid to lose my one and only father. i can't even imagine a world without him. 

i can't imagine what my two friends are going through right now. i can only pray for them that they will stand strong and they can find comfort and peace through the grace of God. i can only pray that they won't become bitter at the world and they can find ways to still live an optimistic life. 

--

i've been exploring different violin sonatas and there are so many beautiful ones that i want to learn.

right now my top three choices are:

brahms a major

grieg g major

and elgar 

now i just need to find a good violinist. because i feel like there aren't any at northwestern. lesigh

--

made my first legit dish for a potluck on wednesday! it was really simple... bacon-wrapped asparagus. mmmmmm. everything else is too difficult for me to make. ahah. but it was so encouraging to see that people in my small group enjoyed my dish! it's a huge compliment coming from someone who doesn't cook very well ahah.

--

i sent my first ever care package to my sister over at UNR. there were some stupid issues with getting it properly sent to her dorm, but finally she obtained it at a nearby post office. i've been bragging to her about how much korean food i've been eating here in my apt. and i'm not someone who particularly enjoys korean food as much as my sister. my sister, even though sucks at korean more than i do, is craaaazy over korean food. and it's ironic because she's in a state college where there are no korean restaurants around and she's stuck to crappy dining hall food. 

at one point, though, i felt bad for her... like truly. i knew i should be a better sister for her. so i went over to koco table, a remodeled version of jk sweets (and the only somewhat legit korean restaurant in evanston), where they sold a bunch of different korean snacks. i basically bought the entire shelf and stuffed it inside a box and shipped it over. and now she's going to get freshman 15 eheheheh. ;]

but i really just want to show her that i care, even though i'm miles and miles away from her. i want her to see that God has changed the way i want to treat my siblings. even though growing up, i had such a difficult time with being the oldest child because i hate having to take care of others, i knew that i really don't have a choice. it's not like i can just abandon them. when friends come and go, siblings will always stay with you til the end. so you might as well get to know them well and bond over the years. and judging by the way i treated them in the past, i knew that if i continued on the same track as i had been, i know my siblings will continue to grow bitter towards my attitudes, and eventually they will want to become as distant as they can get from me. and i don't want that to happen.

so i'm only hoping that it's going to get better from here on out. ^^

--

first chamber coaching of the quarter tomorrow! finally... the quarter is already 2/3's over too. -_-

but i have such a good piano trio this year. anddddd we're learning brahms b major yay!

so so excited.

we probably only have time to learn the first two movements for the remainder of the quarter.

if i get into the iowa piano competiiton, we'll have to put the rest of the trio on hold and learn the mendelssohn d minor.

speaking of which.

i really really reallyyyyy hope i can get into the iowa piano competition.

i have never been past prescreening for a legit international competition before. and if anything, i think i may have a shot this year.

maybe.

i just want to see for myself that i'm progressing over these past few years. i want to say that i'm getting better, and that in no time i can catch up to everyone else's caliber of playing. 

--

i guess this will be my final thought for the day.

(too many thoughts to share ahh)

i won mtna last weekend.

for the 19283287th year in a row.

but that's not the point.

what i want to say about that competition was that for the first time ever, i played my very best.

and i can say that confidently.

no memory slips in my entire half-hour program (which... never happens).

for the first time, i felt like i had COMPLETE grasp of the keys. i was completely immersed in the music and really enjoying the sounds i was creating.

i swear this never happens.

and i guess i owe it big time to tiedan. in the past few months he's definitely helped shaped me to become a better and more confident performer. he'd listen to me perform via webcam and critique it. we would have lots of intense conversations about my terrible anxiety and frustration with not being able to perform as well as i could.

and trust me, it took me some time to even trust his words and encouragement. judging by the way he treats others and blatantly judge others, whatever he says to me must be because he is definitely biased towards me. i was ultimately afraid that in the back of his mind, he would actually think that i suck. but if that were the case, he wouldn't have put in so much effort to help me out in the first place. 

overall, i feel like i learned a lot more from tiedan than i did from my own teacher, mr. chow. it's funny that we share super similar repertoire... he played half of my program in the recent years. when i only got one lesson a week from mr. chow, i was able to get several more with tiedan throughout any given week. i truly appreciated it. 

so even though that morning of my competition, i almost missed the amtrak train because i overslept (spent $50 on a taxi to downtown union station... sigh) and i was trying to figure out where i was supposed to be on the UIUC campus, i was still calm and focused. even when i didn't get enough time to warm up beforehand, i was still not freaking out. and even when i went up on stage and walked across to the piano, i was as confident as i could be. when i performed a lot of things he had told me would suddenly pop up into my head. i had images of banff and how i didn't even perform there knowing that i was so fearful of people judging me. in the end, i knew that after all the hours he spent on me, i couldn't let him down. 

and i'm glad i didn't. it was truly one of the most beautiful performances i have ever had. i can only wish that it would continue to be like that from now!

--

:]

i am so freaking excited.

it's been way, way too long.

i can't wait to see people. i can't wait to see old friends and meet new ones. and the ones i've had on facebook for the longest time but never got the opportunity to meet them in person yet. there's a lot of those.

i'm so tired of being in evanston right now. i just can't wait to get away and breathe, even for a moment. 

--

how is it that i am still so, so busy when i don't have as many classes? this is slightly frustrating...

--

i've lived a pretty cushioned life. most of my friends are in a good place (in terms of their families and friends, school, etc.). so to hear that my roommate's father passed away a few months ago, and that one of my friends from MALV (she's only in 8th grade i believe) just found out her father passed away from cancer earlier today.... it's so shocking. it's just so crazy because i've known her dad all these years and we've talked here and there. and i remember how supportive her dad was to her growing up. 

these girls will never get the chance to have a father congratulate them on their graduation day. these girls will never get the chance to have a father walk them down the aisle on their wedding day. etc.

it's heartbreaking to hear about it, and it makes me so incredibly thankful for my father. we don't talk much because of the distance... but now i'm afraid. afraid to lose my one and only father. i can't even imagine a world without him. 

i can't imagine what my two friends are going through right now. i can only pray for them that they will stand strong and they can find comfort and peace through the grace of God. i can only pray that they won't become bitter at the world and they can find ways to still live an optimistic life. 

--

i've been exploring different violin sonatas and there are so many beautiful ones that i want to learn.

right now my top three choices are:

brahms a major

grieg g major

and elgar 

now i just need to find a good violinist. because i feel like there aren't any at northwestern. lesigh

--

made my first legit dish for a potluck on wednesday! it was really simple... bacon-wrapped asparagus. mmmmmm. everything else is too difficult for me to make. ahah. but it was so encouraging to see that people in my small group enjoyed my dish! it's a huge compliment coming from someone who doesn't cook very well ahah.

--

i sent my first ever care package to my sister over at UNR. there were some stupid issues with getting it properly sent to her dorm, but finally she obtained it at a nearby post office. i've been bragging to her about how much korean food i've been eating here in my apt. and i'm not someone who particularly enjoys korean food as much as my sister. my sister, even though sucks at korean more than i do, is craaaazy over korean food. and it's ironic because she's in a state college where there are no korean restaurants around and she's stuck to crappy dining hall food. 

at one point, though, i felt bad for her... like truly. i knew i should be a better sister for her. so i went over to koco table, a remodeled version of jk sweets (and the only somewhat legit korean restaurant in evanston), where they sold a bunch of different korean snacks. i basically bought the entire shelf and stuffed it inside a box and shipped it over. and now she's going to get freshman 15 eheheheh. ;]

but i really just want to show her that i care, even though i'm miles and miles away from her. i want her to see that God has changed the way i want to treat my siblings. even though growing up, i had such a difficult time with being the oldest child because i hate having to take care of others, i knew that i really don't have a choice. it's not like i can just abandon them. when friends come and go, siblings will always stay with you til the end. so you might as well get to know them well and bond over the years. and judging by the way i treated them in the past, i knew that if i continued on the same track as i had been, i know my siblings will continue to grow bitter towards my attitudes, and eventually they will want to become as distant as they can get from me. and i don't want that to happen.

so i'm only hoping that it's going to get better from here on out. ^^

--

first chamber coaching of the quarter tomorrow! finally... the quarter is already 2/3's over too. -_-

but i have such a good piano trio this year. anddddd we're learning brahms b major yay!

so so excited.

we probably only have time to learn the first two movements for the remainder of the quarter.

if i get into the iowa piano competiiton, we'll have to put the rest of the trio on hold and learn the mendelssohn d minor.

speaking of which.

i really really reallyyyyy hope i can get into the iowa piano competition.

i have never been past prescreening for a legit international competition before. and if anything, i think i may have a shot this year.

maybe.

i just want to see for myself that i'm progressing over these past few years. i want to say that i'm getting better, and that in no time i can catch up to everyone else's caliber of playing. 

--

i guess this will be my final thought for the day.

(too many thoughts to share ahh)

i won mtna last weekend.

for the 19283287th year in a row.

but that's not the point.

what i want to say about that competition was that for the first time ever, i played my very best.

and i can say that confidently.

no memory slips in my entire half-hour program (which... never happens).

for the first time, i felt like i had COMPLETE grasp of the keys. i was completely immersed in the music and really enjoying the sounds i was creating.

i swear this never happens.

and i guess i owe it big time to tiedan. in the past few months he's definitely helped shaped me to become a better and more confident performer. he'd listen to me perform via webcam and critique it. we would have lots of intense conversations about my terrible anxiety and frustration with not being able to perform as well as i could.

and trust me, it took me some time to even trust his words and encouragement. judging by the way he treats others and blatantly judge others, whatever he says to me must be because he is definitely biased towards me. i was ultimately afraid that in the back of his mind, he would actually think that i suck. but if that were the case, he wouldn't have put in so much effort to help me out in the first place. 

overall, i feel like i learned a lot more from tiedan than i did from my own teacher, mr. chow. it's funny that we share super similar repertoire... he played half of my program in the recent years. when i only got one lesson a week from mr. chow, i was able to get several more with tiedan throughout any given week. i truly appreciated it. 

so even though that morning of my competition, i almost missed the amtrak train because i overslept (spent $50 on a taxi to downtown union station... sigh) and i was trying to figure out where i was supposed to be on the UIUC campus, i was still calm and focused. even when i didn't get enough time to warm up beforehand, i was still not freaking out. and even when i went up on stage and walked across to the piano, i was as confident as i could be. when i performed a lot of things he had told me would suddenly pop up into my head. i had images of banff and how i didn't even perform there knowing that i was so fearful of people judging me. in the end, i knew that after all the hours he spent on me, i couldn't let him down. 

and i'm glad i didn't. it was truly one of the most beautiful performances i have ever had. i can only wish that it would continue to be like that from now!

--

:]