Month: February 2013

  • RIP Mr. Van Cliburn

    This morning Mr. Cliburn died in his home. He was a bone marrow cancer patient since last August, but no one really expected him to pass away so early. 

     

    I don't remember the last time a legendary pianist has died in my lifetime. The last one I can think of is Horowitz, but he died a little before I was born. The news of his death shocked the whole world. My facebook newsfeed was cluttered with RIP posts about him from my musician friends. It's too bad that he couldn't stay alive long enough to see the Van Cliburn Competition happen in just a few months...

     

    At least he can be in peace now, no longer having to suffer the slow and painful death that he went through.

    Rest in peace to one of the most influential pianists out there, the one who has shaped history in this past century. 

  • RIP Mr. Van Cliburn

    This morning Mr. Cliburn died in his home. He was a bone marrow cancer patient since last August, but no one really expected him to pass away so early. 

     

    I don't remember the last time a legendary pianist has died in my lifetime. The last one I can think of is Horowitz, but he died a little before I was born. The news of his death shocked the whole world. My facebook newsfeed was cluttered with RIP posts about him from my musician friends. It's too bad that he couldn't stay alive long enough to see the Van Cliburn Competition happen in just a few months...

     

    At least he can be in peace now, no longer having to suffer the slow and painful death that he went through.

    Rest in peace to one of the most influential pianists out there, the one who has shaped history in this past century. 

  • the month of february

    has always been a poopie sort of month for me. 

     

    One of my favorite "activities" to do on Xanga that I made up is to browse all of my past entries for every single year on whatever date the present day is. So today, I browsed back from 2012, 2011, 2010 -- and so on and so forth. Until 2005, since that is my last February entry if I go back in time. I'm always amazed by how different life is now then what it was just years ago... even just last year.

     

    So as I was going back to all the Februarys I've written about in the past years, I noticed an obvious trend -- I would always, ALWAYS talk about how stupid solo and ensemble was. Or how stupid February was in general. I'd complain about how busy I was, or how unloved I felt during Valentine's day, etc etc. February was never a good month for me... lol.

     

    Although I'm still stressed and busy as I was before, it's different. I don't know how to explain it, but it just is. I'm a lot happier and I'm getting a lot better at staying positive and not giving up so easily. I was always so miserable back then especially knowing how much work I had ahead of me. 

     

    And what's funny, I was offered to be an accompanist for solo and ensemble for middle school and high school students here in Chicago. I would've taken the offer knowing how simple the music would be for me to sightread and considering how much I would earn for just one day of accompanying -- but I would be in New York at the time. It would've been really nostalgic, since I've been accompanying kids for solo and ensemble since I was in 8th grade. 

     

    Sometimes it's nice to look back on life and see what you did and what you accomplished... and then to compare it to your current life, which is so much more awesome and better. 

     

    And speaking of something awesome -- I'll be heading off to New York tomorrow. YAY

     

     

    Here's to a positive entry about February!!

    :]

  • the month of february

    has always been a poopie sort of month for me. 

     

    One of my favorite "activities" to do on Xanga that I made up is to browse all of my past entries for every single year on whatever date the present day is. So today, I browsed back from 2012, 2011, 2010 -- and so on and so forth. Until 2005, since that is my last February entry if I go back in time. I'm always amazed by how different life is now then what it was just years ago... even just last year.

     

    So as I was going back to all the Februarys I've written about in the past years, I noticed an obvious trend -- I would always, ALWAYS talk about how stupid solo and ensemble was. Or how stupid February was in general. I'd complain about how busy I was, or how unloved I felt during Valentine's day, etc etc. February was never a good month for me... lol.

     

    Although I'm still stressed and busy as I was before, it's different. I don't know how to explain it, but it just is. I'm a lot happier and I'm getting a lot better at staying positive and not giving up so easily. I was always so miserable back then especially knowing how much work I had ahead of me. 

     

    And what's funny, I was offered to be an accompanist for solo and ensemble for middle school and high school students here in Chicago. I would've taken the offer knowing how simple the music would be for me to sightread and considering how much I would earn for just one day of accompanying -- but I would be in New York at the time. It would've been really nostalgic, since I've been accompanying kids for solo and ensemble since I was in 8th grade. 

     

    Sometimes it's nice to look back on life and see what you did and what you accomplished... and then to compare it to your current life, which is so much more awesome and better. 

     

    And speaking of something awesome -- I'll be heading off to New York tomorrow. YAY

     

     

    Here's to a positive entry about February!!

    :]

  • so frustrated with piano

    I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate memory slips.

    Why does my brain work so stupidly? 

    I just finished another recital hour performance. I played the first two movements of my Beethoven 109, Liebestod, and my Kapustin etude "Pastorale". I was so ready for this. I knew it well, and I've already performed these pieces so many times in the past.

    I completely butchered the first two pieces. The middle section of the first movement of 109 was a disaster. I was so focused on the long line of my right hand that I completely forgot the LH pattern. I stopped because I couldn't figure out what was next and I didn't want to to skip too far ahead so I went back and started the middle section over. And I did this hmm, three or four more times? It was so retarded that the rest of the movement was just whatever. I just gave up hope. And it's so stupid because my first page was so amazing after having several lessons on it again. Thankfully 2nd movement went decently well. 

    The Liebestod, to my surprise, was also another disaster. Right after the introduction, I had a memory slip. It was probably my worst nervous spot because there's so much counter-melody chromaticism that I haven't really been paying attention to. I've been so focused on my muscle memory that when that somehow shuts down for a brief moment, I don't remember what the counter-melody notes are anymore. This was a worser disaster than the Beethoven. I felt my face turn red and I became frustrated, and for every single time I repeated that section in hopes of getting out of it, it got more aggressive and more hopeless. FINALLY, by some miracle, my muscle memory system turned back on and I was able to progress with the piece. The only plus side to having a bad memory slip is that for the rest of the piece, I usually become disinterested in doing my best that I actually relax and naturally everything sounds good. And so for the rest of Liebestod, it went well. I really tried to be unaffected by the traumatic experiences I just had.

    Kapustin was ironically my best performance of the day. Probably my best performance I've had in a very very long time. Actually, I might be confident enough to say that it was one of my best live performances of this piece ever. Kapustin has always been the scariest memory problem piece for me. I worked for the past two weeks basically tearing apart the piece and molding it back to what it had been freshman year, both physically and mentally. And I can see that it really paid off because the past few performances, both casual and formal, have been memory-problem free. I guess I'm thankful for a good ending of my program today.

    I rushed off stage and didn't even stop to greet my friends and teachers. I was so disgusted by myself and so ashamed that I went back to the third floor practice room and carried on with my agenda. Of course, I couldn't completely hide away. My teacher Alan Chow called me and told me so many positive things about my performance. I just love that he's so supportive. Sometimes I have a hard time fully believing in all the good things he says because he already says anything bad about my playing lol. But sometimes, whether I want to believe it or not, I just need that positive support. And then Sooky wrote on my Facebook wall just now complimenting my playing. Which is actually surprising because Sooky and I don't really talk much and for her to go out of her own way to comment on that was nice of her. But still, when I'm in this frustrated state, I actually become bitter towards people's comments. I know that THEY know how much I screwed up today. And I just can't stand listening to compliments when I know myself that I was completely dissatisfied with my performance. 

    And here are some other thoughts...

    Sometimes I feel I am too ambitious for my own good. I talk about how I want to audition at Juilliard for grad school, I perform in every possible opportunity that I can, I ferociously search for competitions to do, I try to scout out the best chamber musicians to play with.... I know I shouldn't be swayed by what other people think of me, but I wonder -- do they think that I'm being too ambitious? If I was actually good at performing, then maybe being "ambitious" would be a good, proportionate thing. 

    I'm frustrated that I constantly expose my weaknesses to the entire piano department. Of all the performances I've had a Lutkin Hall, more than half were probably destroyed by memory slips. I probably have this reputation among my peers as someone who just has an unstable mind when she performs. I feel like I have the worst case of this compared to most other pianists. Why then, do I care about my reputation so much in the first place? I just want my performances to seem effortless. I don't want it to seem that I'm working too hard. 

    I also don't understand why I am so stubborn. I probably don't listen to my pieces enough, or run them through in my head. I probably am not fixing practicing habits because they require so much mental energy from me. I'm running out of time. Auditions are right around the corner, and if I don't fix these mental habits, I may end up regretting it. It's so stupid really -- I know what I need to work on.... I just don't. And then these kinds of performances always occur... well, gee, I wonder why!


    Ughhgughgughgughgh. I feel like I've been broken down so much as a pianist. When can it start getting better? Is my hard work even going to pay off in the end?





    EDIT: I've been very blessed by some of the compliments I received about my performance today throughout the rest of the day. And I know that these people mean what they say... or else they wouldn't have gone out of their way to message me. I know there are people out there that probably think of me negatively, but whatever. I shouldn't be so stressed out about that. I know that there are people who support me. And that even though they see my struggles, they still want the best for me. 

    From Karen Ding, my freshman in my Peer Adviser group, mentioned me on one of her tweets:

    "@Fantasiex3 you sounded great at recital hour! i always enjoy hearing you play :) "

    And then Sooky's comment on Facebook:


    GREAT job at recital hour today! I especially love your Kapustin it's so much fun :P ALTHOUGH, I gotta say the best part was when Dr. Buccheri clapped after your Tristen&Isolde piece HAHAHAHA. but anyways, congrats on another awesome performance :)

    haha you're seriously getting better by the minute... TELL ME YOUR SECRET hahahaha

    Then in the evening, Guanchen messaged me on Facebook, just to tell me about my performance:

    hey! couldn't find you after recital hour quick enough i had to go. 
    but AWESOME job today you're definitely one of my favorite pianists here, your sound is great and full and your stage presence is amazing-confident and relaxed.

    okay just wanted to tell you that, bye

    I was really, sincerely touched by these comments from my friends. And that's when I realize that I shouldn't give up... that I should keep my chin up and move forward with life.

  • so frustrated with piano

    I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate memory slips.

    Why does my brain work so stupidly? 

    I just finished another recital hour performance. I played the first two movements of my Beethoven 109, Liebestod, and my Kapustin etude "Pastorale". I was so ready for this. I knew it well, and I've already performed these pieces so many times in the past.

    I completely butchered the first two pieces. The middle section of the first movement of 109 was a disaster. I was so focused on the long line of my right hand that I completely forgot the LH pattern. I stopped because I couldn't figure out what was next and I didn't want to to skip too far ahead so I went back and started the middle section over. And I did this hmm, three or four more times? It was so retarded that the rest of the movement was just whatever. I just gave up hope. And it's so stupid because my first page was so amazing after having several lessons on it again. Thankfully 2nd movement went decently well. 

    The Liebestod, to my surprise, was also another disaster. Right after the introduction, I had a memory slip. It was probably my worst nervous spot because there's so much counter-melody chromaticism that I haven't really been paying attention to. I've been so focused on my muscle memory that when that somehow shuts down for a brief moment, I don't remember what the counter-melody notes are anymore. This was a worser disaster than the Beethoven. I felt my face turn red and I became frustrated, and for every single time I repeated that section in hopes of getting out of it, it got more aggressive and more hopeless. FINALLY, by some miracle, my muscle memory system turned back on and I was able to progress with the piece. The only plus side to having a bad memory slip is that for the rest of the piece, I usually become disinterested in doing my best that I actually relax and naturally everything sounds good. And so for the rest of Liebestod, it went well. I really tried to be unaffected by the traumatic experiences I just had.

    Kapustin was ironically my best performance of the day. Probably my best performance I've had in a very very long time. Actually, I might be confident enough to say that it was one of my best live performances of this piece ever. Kapustin has always been the scariest memory problem piece for me. I worked for the past two weeks basically tearing apart the piece and molding it back to what it had been freshman year, both physically and mentally. And I can see that it really paid off because the past few performances, both casual and formal, have been memory-problem free. I guess I'm thankful for a good ending of my program today.

    I rushed off stage and didn't even stop to greet my friends and teachers. I was so disgusted by myself and so ashamed that I went back to the third floor practice room and carried on with my agenda. Of course, I couldn't completely hide away. My teacher Alan Chow called me and told me so many positive things about my performance. I just love that he's so supportive. Sometimes I have a hard time fully believing in all the good things he says because he already says anything bad about my playing lol. But sometimes, whether I want to believe it or not, I just need that positive support. And then Sooky wrote on my Facebook wall just now complimenting my playing. Which is actually surprising because Sooky and I don't really talk much and for her to go out of her own way to comment on that was nice of her. But still, when I'm in this frustrated state, I actually become bitter towards people's comments. I know that THEY know how much I screwed up today. And I just can't stand listening to compliments when I know myself that I was completely dissatisfied with my performance. 

    And here are some other thoughts...

    Sometimes I feel I am too ambitious for my own good. I talk about how I want to audition at Juilliard for grad school, I perform in every possible opportunity that I can, I ferociously search for competitions to do, I try to scout out the best chamber musicians to play with.... I know I shouldn't be swayed by what other people think of me, but I wonder -- do they think that I'm being too ambitious? If I was actually good at performing, then maybe being "ambitious" would be a good, proportionate thing. 

    I'm frustrated that I constantly expose my weaknesses to the entire piano department. Of all the performances I've had a Lutkin Hall, more than half were probably destroyed by memory slips. I probably have this reputation among my peers as someone who just has an unstable mind when she performs. I feel like I have the worst case of this compared to most other pianists. Why then, do I care about my reputation so much in the first place? I just want my performances to seem effortless. I don't want it to seem that I'm working too hard. 

    I also don't understand why I am so stubborn. I probably don't listen to my pieces enough, or run them through in my head. I probably am not fixing practicing habits because they require so much mental energy from me. I'm running out of time. Auditions are right around the corner, and if I don't fix these mental habits, I may end up regretting it. It's so stupid really -- I know what I need to work on.... I just don't. And then these kinds of performances always occur... well, gee, I wonder why!


    Ughhgughgughgughgh. I feel like I've been broken down so much as a pianist. When can it start getting better? Is my hard work even going to pay off in the end?





    EDIT: I've been very blessed by some of the compliments I received about my performance today throughout the rest of the day. And I know that these people mean what they say... or else they wouldn't have gone out of their way to message me. I know there are people out there that probably think of me negatively, but whatever. I shouldn't be so stressed out about that. I know that there are people who support me. And that even though they see my struggles, they still want the best for me. 

    From Karen Ding, my freshman in my Peer Adviser group, mentioned me on one of her tweets:

    "@Fantasiex3 you sounded great at recital hour! i always enjoy hearing you play :) "

    And then Sooky's comment on Facebook:


    GREAT job at recital hour today! I especially love your Kapustin it's so much fun :P ALTHOUGH, I gotta say the best part was when Dr. Buccheri clapped after your Tristen&Isolde piece HAHAHAHA. but anyways, congrats on another awesome performance :)

    haha you're seriously getting better by the minute... TELL ME YOUR SECRET hahahaha

    Then in the evening, Guanchen messaged me on Facebook, just to tell me about my performance:

    hey! couldn't find you after recital hour quick enough i had to go. 
    but AWESOME job today you're definitely one of my favorite pianists here, your sound is great and full and your stage presence is amazing-confident and relaxed.

    okay just wanted to tell you that, bye

    I was really, sincerely touched by these comments from my friends. And that's when I realize that I shouldn't give up... that I should keep my chin up and move forward with life.

  • kankakee valley concerto competition

    was a failure.


    I was beyond pissed when I found out what exactly happened. 
    I got my CD back because I requested to get it back. Along with the CD was a list of the five finalists. I wasn't one of them, and neither were the two DM's at my school who I expected to get into finals. All of the finalists (after looking them on Facebook, haha), were old. One was probably in her mid 30's. The rest of them were DM students. Blah. 

    But that's not the reason why I was really pissed. There was a small post-it note on my CD when I got it back. It said in red, bold letters, "NO SOUND". 

    ...what?


    My heart started to race. No way. The one thing I was so scared to happen one day was slowly becoming my reality...

    I hastily popped the CD into my laptop to check out these files with "no sound". And to my utter amazement, my three movements of the Emperor Concerto were there -- but they were each 1 KB each. 


    I couldn't believe it. The whole reason as to why I was so stressed out in January was because of how hard I was working on getting the Emperor Concerto down to record it for the competition. I remember spending countless rehearsals and recording sessions with my accompanist Eugenia. I even had to learn the accompaniment part to her Chopin 2nd piano concerto because she was competing as well. So after all that hard work that I put into, all of it was put to waste all because of a CD error. 

    I think this is what happened: 
    I double checked to make sure my files were exported onto the CD. They were playing fine on my iTunes. The moment I pressed the eject button on my laptop, my laptop screen began to freeze. Also, my CD wouldn't eject... so I decided to restart my computer. I just completely shut down my computer by pressing the power button instead of safely restarting it because my screen was completely frozen. Once I got my computer to work again, the eject button properly worked and I was able to get my CD out. I figured since I already double checked to make sure everything about the CD was fine, I didn't need to put the CD back into my computer to check again. I think because I had shut down my computer in such a way, it somehow wiped my files away from the CD. I'm not sure if that is even possible since I'm pretty tech-illiterate, but it's the only possible explanation that I can come up with. I knew the files were working and everything before I restarted my computer.



    But once I finally calmed down, I knew that the world wasn't going to end because of this. And I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. My goal with this competition was to motivate myself to practice harder and more efficiently on the Emperor Concerto. And because of that, I've gotten down all the movements solidly memorized. I even got a master class session with Israeli pianist, Asaf Zohar, on the first movement. And plus, I don't think I could've gotten all three of my movements down well enough for the final round that's happening in a few weeks. I know that based on how little experience I have with my concerto, I probably didn't deserve to get into the finals in the first place. And I'm thankful that the application fee was only $20, so I felt like I didn't lose a lot. And thanks to this shocking notice, I'm always going to be aware of how I'm burning my CDs for competitions and auditions. That would've been horrible if this incident occurred for a major prescreening audition. 


    It's just that I don't like the feeling of my efforts becoming belittled, especially in unfair situations. I feel that the "right" way is to have your hard work be proportionate to your rewards...... but the world doesn't work that way. Sigh. 

    But it's okay. I learned a lot from this. And I know I won't let this happen again. 

  • kankakee valley concerto competition

    was a failure.


    I was beyond pissed when I found out what exactly happened. 
    I got my CD back because I requested to get it back. Along with the CD was a list of the five finalists. I wasn't one of them, and neither were the two DM's at my school who I expected to get into finals. All of the finalists (after looking them on Facebook, haha), were old. One was probably in her mid 30's. The rest of them were DM students. Blah. 

    But that's not the reason why I was really pissed. There was a small post-it note on my CD when I got it back. It said in red, bold letters, "NO SOUND". 

    ...what?


    My heart started to race. No way. The one thing I was so scared to happen one day was slowly becoming my reality...

    I hastily popped the CD into my laptop to check out these files with "no sound". And to my utter amazement, my three movements of the Emperor Concerto were there -- but they were each 1 KB each. 


    I couldn't believe it. The whole reason as to why I was so stressed out in January was because of how hard I was working on getting the Emperor Concerto down to record it for the competition. I remember spending countless rehearsals and recording sessions with my accompanist Eugenia. I even had to learn the accompaniment part to her Chopin 2nd piano concerto because she was competing as well. So after all that hard work that I put into, all of it was put to waste all because of a CD error. 

    I think this is what happened: 
    I double checked to make sure my files were exported onto the CD. They were playing fine on my iTunes. The moment I pressed the eject button on my laptop, my laptop screen began to freeze. Also, my CD wouldn't eject... so I decided to restart my computer. I just completely shut down my computer by pressing the power button instead of safely restarting it because my screen was completely frozen. Once I got my computer to work again, the eject button properly worked and I was able to get my CD out. I figured since I already double checked to make sure everything about the CD was fine, I didn't need to put the CD back into my computer to check again. I think because I had shut down my computer in such a way, it somehow wiped my files away from the CD. I'm not sure if that is even possible since I'm pretty tech-illiterate, but it's the only possible explanation that I can come up with. I knew the files were working and everything before I restarted my computer.



    But once I finally calmed down, I knew that the world wasn't going to end because of this. And I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. My goal with this competition was to motivate myself to practice harder and more efficiently on the Emperor Concerto. And because of that, I've gotten down all the movements solidly memorized. I even got a master class session with Israeli pianist, Asaf Zohar, on the first movement. And plus, I don't think I could've gotten all three of my movements down well enough for the final round that's happening in a few weeks. I know that based on how little experience I have with my concerto, I probably didn't deserve to get into the finals in the first place. And I'm thankful that the application fee was only $20, so I felt like I didn't lose a lot. And thanks to this shocking notice, I'm always going to be aware of how I'm burning my CDs for competitions and auditions. That would've been horrible if this incident occurred for a major prescreening audition. 


    It's just that I don't like the feeling of my efforts becoming belittled, especially in unfair situations. I feel that the "right" way is to have your hard work be proportionate to your rewards...... but the world doesn't work that way. Sigh. 

    But it's okay. I learned a lot from this. And I know I won't let this happen again. 

  • happy lunar new year~

    or Happy Chinese New Year. (but you guys aint the only ones celebrating this too pffffft, haha :D ) 

    ORRRRR... HAPPY ONE MONTH UNTIL I'M 21!! <3
    Okay, that is all. Now time to eat my delicious spaghetti that I made for dinner. After starving myself half to death + teaching for 5.5 hours with no breaks.

  • happy lunar new year~

    or Happy Chinese New Year. (but you guys aint the only ones celebrating this too pffffft, haha :D ) 

    ORRRRR... HAPPY ONE MONTH UNTIL I'M 21!! <3
    Okay, that is all. Now time to eat my delicious spaghetti that I made for dinner. After starving myself half to death + teaching for 5.5 hours with no breaks.