This past weekend, on November 12, 2011, I competed in MTNA for the 7th year.
7th.
year.
(dang, I'm old.)
Despite the fact that I've done this so many times, it was the first time I competed in a brand new state and in a brand new age category. It was also the first time I traveled alone for this competition. It definitely felt weird to not be traveling with my old piano teacher, Mr. Bu and his gang of students...
Back in September, I had no interest in competing for MTNA. I didn't think I could get ready in time so I didn't bother practicing as hard as I could over the summer. Just days before I went back to Northwestern, Alan Chow recommended that I try MTNA this year.
So I thought about it. And just two days before registration for the competition closed, I made up my mind - I was going to compete.
I had many reasons why I was hesitant to compete. First of all, I've been going through a series of psychological problems with stage fright. It's not even "fright" or nervousness... it's more of an anxiety. The way I see it is this: adrenaline and nervousness has to do with positive energy, whereas anxiety and fear has to do with negative energy. I've always been someone who made memory slips on stage, but it was only two years ago when it became a serious problem. I'd stop in the middle of my performances and completely blank out, not knowing how to finish. It was very discouraging for me, and I would probably mark these past two years as the lowest points of my piano career so far. I had been so discouraged that I didn't think I could compete or play in front of people again like how I used to.
It's probably why I even decided to compete in MTNA in the first place. I strongly believed that this would give me the opportunity to encourage myself to fix this problem.
As a super competitive person, I tried my best to forget about the thought of winning. My ultimate goal was to perform the best as I can enough to satisfy not only the judges but also for myself. When I found out that I'd be going against Paul Juhn and Uni Choi (both amazing pianists under Alan Chow, my professor), I freaked out. I constantly put myself down and ended up questioning myself, "Why am I competing when I don't believe that I have a chance against them?" It also freaked me out that I'd be the youngest in the 19-26 age category and that I'm competing in a state with lots of talented pianists... unlike Nevada. But I kept reminding myself over and over again.... music competitions are not about competing against others.... it's about competing against yourself.
Then I found out that I was contestant #1, performing at 8 in the morning. I literally laughed out loud when I heard the news. For some ODD reason, I was always picked to be contestant #1 in previous MTNA competitions, whether in the state, regional, or national level. I always thought maybe it was just a Nevada or Southwest region thing, but when I saw that even Illinois gave me #1, I thought I really was cursed with this bad number. You see, for as long as I can remember, I never received first place in any competition where I had to be contestant #1. Anything with the number one became my bad omen. You can just imagine when I found out that 11/11/11 happened to be on the same weekend as the competition. Besides the fact that I took the number one as a superstition, it was also a physical problem, because for the MTNA competitions, competing as contestant #1 meant that you were playing as early as 8 in the morning. I would complain that I was always put at a disadvantage because I would never be able to play in my best physical condition and because other contestants would have a lot more time to warm-up than I would ever get.
I explained this problem that I had with my professor and he gave me some awesome insight that has stuck with me until now, and hopefully forever. It totally changed my viewpoints that I had just mentioned. I told him, "Being the first contestant means that by the time all of the contestants have performed, the judges would have already forgotten about you since it's not fresh in their minds anymore."
In response, he said, "No, being the first contestant means that YOU set the standards of the competition. Being the first to perform means that you are competing against yourself since you have no one else to compare to. However, everyone else that follows after you will be compared to you. And as long as you make a good impression on your performance, which you always do without a doubt, the judges will always remember you no matter how much time has elapsed since your performance."
As you can see, the process of building myself for this competition was more of a psychological battle than anything else.
I prepared myself for this competition better than I have ever in the previous years I had competed. It definitely helped being in college as a piano performance major. Compared to last year, when I barely performed during studio class, I had the opportunity to perform for Chow's studio every single Tuesday leading up to the competition. It was a nightmare at first, but I really started to get the hang of it towards the end. I asked for extra lessons, and I even started to book Lutkin Hall to practice performing in a big concert hall, since I always had a problem carrying out my sound across a hall. During the week of the competition, I skipped a few classes and canceled work altogether just so I can spend more time practicing. I even swapped my sleeping pattern so that I slept ridiculously early and woke up ridiculously early, knowing that my performance time was at 8 in the morning. I began to do something that I used to never do in the past - perform for friends in a casual setting. I never realized how incredibly helpful it was to do something like that, and it definitely built up my confidence for more formal performances like studio class and recital hour. I felt like I really knew my piece by the week of the competition, instead of all the previous years where I had to cram in everything in time for the competition. When I thought about how well I had prepared for the competition, my favorite quote from Mr. Bu came to mind:
"What is the difference between a professional and an amateur? An amateur is one who practices and practices until they get it right.... and a professional is one who practices and practices until they can't get it wrong."
Ultimately, God is the one who has planned out this wonderful path for me. Paul ended up forfeiting the competition because he was too busy with his other major and had no time to practice. I didn't have a place to stay at Illinois State University, but the week before the competition, I found a friend of a friend who was willing to let me stay at her apartment. She was a very sweet Christian, along with her roommates, and her hospitality was grateful. There had been 8 competitors, but the 8th one dropped on the day of the competition.
And although I was not able to play to the utmost best of my ability, I did a lot better than I had first thought I would when I had registered for the competition. I had several memory slips but I kept going and finished the program strong. However, my doubts with God led me to feel depressed for the next few hours as I painfully sat and watched all of my competitors perform. I even put up a nasty attitude with Him, "I put so much work and effort, and this is what it all comes down to?" I didn't want to be angry with God for something silly like this so I kept reassuring myself that God is a God of justice. He doesn't reward people just because they have done good deeds. He is fair to the rich and the poor, the evil and the good, the lucky and the unlucky. Just because I had put in a lot of effort does not automatically equate to deserving to win the competition. Of course, this reminder is easier said than done.
In the end, however, I ended up taking first place. (YAYYY!!) Uni Choi got second, and two other people received honorable mention. The judges congratulated me, and I got to perform my Kapustin piece at the winner's recital, which went unbelievably well. I was complimented by many of the students and teachers there. My parents and my closest friends like Jihye and my boyfriend were very proud of me. I'm just so happy to see my parents happy for me. I'm sure they wonder how I'm doing at Northwestern, if I'm even practicing and using my time wisely. 
But now they can see that I have been working very hard, and I want to continue showing them that. Most of all, I had made my piano professor proud. He knew that I was able to do it all along. I just had to get myself to believe that, too.
I will going to Kalamazoo, Michigan for the Regional competition in the first week of winter quarter in January. I can't believe how amazing God is for giving me this opportunity. Not only that, but when I look at the bigger picture, the preparation for the MTNA state competition has led me to become a more dedicated performer and has also boosted up my self-esteem and confidence.
After this weekend, I have come to a conclusion:
The two long years of frustration with my psychological problems is finally come to an end. Although it took that long to heal, I have learned so much during that process. For someone who is always blessed with a close group of supporters, decent performances and a "luck" for winning competitions, I guess this is what it meant to go through trials and tribulations.
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
1 Peter 5:10
Dear pianist Sherry circa 2009...... welcome back.
Luckily, it's on the 12th this time. Phew! haha.
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